Bernard/Barney Sumner/Albrecht/Dicken/Rubble/ was Joy Division’s song-writer and guitarist. He specialized in plagiarizing guitar lines off Black Sabbath b-sides and dressing like a lost schoolboy on stage.
Throughout Joy Division’s existence he was subject to a media gagging order by Ian Curtis who felt that if the guitarist mouthed off about his love for Kebabs, Carlsberg and glue during interviews he’d ruin the air of mystique surrounding the band.
Sumner later waived the gagging order after Curtis’s death, forming New Order a dance band who specialized in writing songs about Kebabs, Carlsberg and glue.
He is now rumoured to be involved in a perpetual war with Peter Hook who purportedly mails him slabs of his own shit in the post.
Peter Hook is a talentless hack who spent most of his career, bashing away at the bass like the monkey-man he is, somehow winning acclaim from people who should really know better.
Rather than making any effort with his onstage appearance or persona, Hooky preferred to give the impression that he was the son of an autistic Yorkshire Farmer, overly fond of scuppering around the Dales with his cock bowed to the west for all to see.
Hook cannot take criticism well. On the many occasions that the audience criticized his bass playing, he was known to jump off stage and smash the living daylights out of whoever stood his way, just because he could. For this reason he became known simply as ‘Bully Boy’ to the rest of the band.
These days he cries himself to sleep with Ginsters Cornish Pasties hanging from his mouth like crumbly biege cocks whilst wanking himself daft to ‘How Clean Is Your House with Kim and Aggie’.
Stephen Morris or “Chinny” as he prefers to be called was Joy Division’s drummer. He joined the band after he was caught slapping a horse senseless in the outskirts of Macclesfield by Ian Curtis.
His drumming style is not in the least bit distinctive and it’s rumoured that he started using drum machines as he realised that he couldn’t really drum.
He collects tanks and is married to Gillian Gilbert who he tries to crush regularly. As of yet, he has not sucked Peter Hook off. He was arguably the most sociable member of the band and could often be found propping up the bar at the Hacienda where he became famous for being able to down 150 pints in an h0ur.
It is rumoured that he only weighs 3 stone which is exactly 15 times less than Hooky.
He founded “The Other Two” with Gillian, who are often regarded as the 2nd worst band on the planet, finishing just below Joy Division in a recent poll. Now that New Order have split up, he passes the time by filling out crossword puzzles, smoking crack and drumming on tour with Snow Patrol. He was recently punched in the face outside a nightclub in Salford by Peter Hook for calling him “a big fat bastard”.
