Joy Division Suck

Joy Division Are The Worst Band On The Planet

Spoiler : Curtis hangs himself at the end in his kitchen after consuming too much cheap whiskey. These were before the days of MSN were one could go onto a forum and threaten suicide whilst in the midst of a drunken huff and wake up fine the next morning.

‘Closer’ is a film about Joy Division that is directed by Anton Corbijn.

The film starts with Ian Curtis walking around in Manchester, scoring prescription drugs off pensioners, wanking into bins and chasing chubbies around his home town. After dating and dumping every fat girl in Maccers – Ian falls for Debbie who is intrigued by the fact that Ian can write (which would have been outstanding at the time as Manchester had a literacy rate of 3%).

Ian eventually becomes tired of being a no-one, so he fires out a sprog and robs a bank to fund the formation of Stiff Kittens/Warsaw/Joy Division.

At Joy Division’s first gig in the Rafters club in Manchester, Ian makes a Hitler salute to some fat girls at the front row, before whipping out his knob and nads, lodging a finger up his hole and climaxing into one of his Primark socks.

Throughout 1978 – every journalist hates Joy Division as they can’t play their instruments and there are rumors on the scene that either the bassist or guitarist molests raccoons as a job on the side.

In 1979 Manchester seemingly has a collective mental breakdown allowing Joy Division to become the best band in the city. However their success was not to last. At the height of their fame – Ian begins to experience troubling visions of owls onstage. During these hallucinations he is implored by God (who sounds eerily like Tony Wilson) to “swat exactly 450 of the freaky-beaked bastards” otherwise he’ll be forced to live in a shed with Hooky and his bean-farts for the rest of the year.

Sometime between 1979 and 1980 Ian begins to have an affair with a Belgian Boiler called Rick Honore. Ian was approached by Rick after a gig in Antwerp, bragging that he ‘had the biggest cock in Ghent’  and that ‘he longed for ‘the beef of a ‘ready salted’ type of boy’. Curtis and Honore then fall madly in love but Ian has commitments back home…

After listening to David Bowie and chowing down 50 Magic Mushroom pills one Saturday night, Ian felt he could rack up his guilt no longer and racked himself good and proper.

We are then treated to an extended moving epilogue read by Peter Hook who explains that Ian killed himself to escape nightly recurring wank-fantasies featuring him and Terry Nutkins frolicking around Deansgate with nothing but songs of love and stonking hard-ons to pass the time with.

Aside from the stunningly emotive epilogue this film is really a missed opportunity and therefore only gets 2 nooses out of 10.

/10