Joy Division Suck

Joy Division Are The Worst Band On The Planet

Some moron over on Joy Division Central has proposed that the bridge in Hulme where about 85% of all Joy Division pictures were taken be renamed the ‘Ian Curtis Memorial Bridge’.

Let’s set the record straight.

The last thing Joy Division fans need is a fucking bridge of their own to jump off. The streets of Hulme will be littered with the bodies of emanciated Joy Division fans who took the plunge to be in Valhalla with their favourite Nazi hero.

You’ll even have Manic Street Preachers fans joining in on the act and taking the plunge to emulate their hero Richey Edwards.

It’s a horrible idea.

They should instead dedicate the bridge to someone who deserves our applause and respect. Someone who continues to make a valid contribution to the music industry.

For those of you blissfully unaware of his existence – Paul Morley is a sniveling shit who plagues late-night current affairs shows with his wry under-stated ‘I know everything about everything’ spiel, systemically shitting out morsels of wank about art, seemingly without end.

He also adores Joy Division. At the last count he has written about 7,500 separate articles about the band and all of them have been thinly veiled attempts to seduce Peter Hook into having hairy, bearded man-to-bum-and-back-sex with him.

Now there’s nothing wrong with liking Joy Division or wanting to have Peter Hook’s bristly cock in your arse. Both inclinations are perfectly legal, if not morally questionable.

However that’s not the point.

The point is that Paul Morley is deluded. He does not understand that Joy Division were simply hapless Northern lackeys who got lucky.

He dolefully accepts that Ian Curtis, a 23-year-old ex-civil servant with a penchant for voting Conservative, cross-dressing and plagiarizing J.G Ballard, was God incarnate.

Paul Morley’s predicament – much like Joy Division’s own – is that he’s working class. Now as you’re aware the working class only know of baked beans, despair and damp Primark jeans that smell of cabbage.

In Morley’s case he has expanded his horizons into worshiping Joy Division and hoarding dark Primark jackets that smell of cabbage.

This is to be applauded. Unlike most Northerners Morley has managed to learn to read and write and only has the occasional drunken danger wank in his darkened kitchen.

However he’s now in danger of turning his Joy Division obsession into a proselytizing death cult.

Here’s the how and the why.

Morley is typical of the Far-Left in that he is a revisionist. If he was in Power he would attempt to have our Lord Jesus Christ and the Bible stricken from the Records and would instead instate Curtis as God and claim that Closer was divinely inspired.

By then everyone will be wearing pendants of Curtis and the Holy Noose and we’d all be forced into taking Communion to honour the wan man who died for Our sins by drinking Special Brew and eating Pot Noodles.

Paul Morley might try to come across as the Eternal Friend Of The Student with his black/navy Primark jackets but inside lies an insipid little fuck who would happily force you into worshiping Christ Curtis on a Sunday.

He is not to be trusted.

Yes it is and not in a good way.

I’ve tried listening to Closer on many occasions and it’s just dirt. I don’t mind depressing music if it is of a certain standard however Closer is just poorly written and the sound quality is despicable.

As an example – how the fuck could anyone even think about committing something as pointless as Decades to tape? They might as well have recorded a man gurning in a phone box for 10 minutes and it would have been as good.

Songs like ‘Atrocity Exhibition’ and ‘Isolation’ are just bleak, nondescript bollocks that promise to take you on a ‘musical journey’ but just leave you feeling raped and shagged by the roadside.

The rest of the album just blends into one long yawning moan of a man who should have been in an asylum instead of outside banging Belgian whores and fitting more than an Irish builder with as many CCJs as kids.

If you think Closer is a good album then you’re simply mistaken. I can forgive you for liking ‘Twenty Four Hours’ as it has a nice buildup and everything, but the rest? There’s nothing there at all.

Joy Division have just finished recording their debut album ‘Unknown Pleasures’ at Strawberry Studios in Stockport. They are parked outside the local chip shop waiting for the rain to stop so that they can finally have something to eat.

Hooky : I’m starving for some chips, me! Fucking ravished.

Barney : You’re always hungry you fat bastard. Can’t you just chew on your fist until it stops pissing down outside?

Ian ~interrupts without realizing that anyone exists in the universe apart from himself~ : Void. Void in my stomach. Void….everywhere. The rain will never stop. Even if the rain stops, the chip shop will have closed by then. Closed forever like the faint avenues of hope that once beckoned to me, but then faded away like a new dawn.

Hooky : Oh for fucks sake, would you shut the hell up?

Ian ~continues on rambling~ …the chippy shutters will be as grey as the bleakest winter inside my soul.

Hooky : What the fucking hell are you on about now?

Ian : You’ll never understand Hooky. You’ll never understand how I feel inside.

Hooky : Look if I stick my tongue down your neck will you stop whining? At least until I’ve had a pastie in me? I can’t cope with this on an empty stomach!

Ian : No way! There’s bits of kebab meat hanging off your teeth…..hanging like thin brown curtains inside a squalid tenement in the Interzone.

Hooky : If you were a real man you would have cupped my balls and patted me on the arse by now!

Ian : Look, I’ll do what I want to whoever I want! I am the talent in this band. You should shut the fuck up before I fire you all.

Ian begins to convulse. The band sit still and watch. He continues to convulse. The band sit still and watch.

It continues to rain outside.

Ian continues to convulse.

Suffice to say, Joy Division did not have chips on that rainy day in Stockport.

OK so I was checking my web stats earlier on and found that some people had actually visited this blog. Curious, I decided to investigate and found the following amusing post on a website called Tumblr by someone called doe eyes.

Some utter fucking knob who does not appear to posses any testicles has created a page entitled “Joy Division suck.”

What a dick wank. I don’t mind if you dislike them, I can understand why, but to make a fucking blog about them?

What an utter twat.

The funny thing is, his logic is utter bullshit.

permission to kill this person?

What’s wrong with creating a blog about something you hate? People do it all the time with talented bands like U2 and Coldplay yet if someone has the gall to attack Joy Division, it’s as if someone’s shit in their soup.

Tell me this, if my logic is utter bullshit, then why has it hit such a raw nerve? If I was talking out of my arse then you’d have just moved on. But no. You know deep inside that you just listen to Joy Division to appear cool.

Children like ‘doe eyes’ listen to Joy Division for exactly the same reason that people her age take up smoking. It’s all about vanity and not about substance.

No-one could listen to Joy Division’s funeral dirge for any other reason as it HAS NO SUBSTANCE. It’s mindless, charmless, soulless bollocks, topped off with third-rate sixth-form lyrics written by a preening wan bum-boy with no discernible talent.

Permission to kill me for having a different opinion, eh? This demonstrates perfectly that all Joy Division fans are fascists who would have loved it if Warsaw had continued on with their clumsy Nazi-sympathizing spiel.

Charles Manson was and still is a die-hard Joy Division fan.

You should all hang your heads in shame. Seriously.

When Ian Curtis hung himself on May 18th 1980, he ended the band whilst they were at their peak. With Love Will Tear Us Apart they had created perhaps their only memorable song. Up until this point they hadn’t managed to create anything listenable, let alone great.

If Joy Division had continued on then they’d have just pumped out more awful Goth Rock. They’d have been like an even less talented ‘The Cure’.

Let’s face it Ian Curtis’s voice was annoying, not inspiring and the man could not hold a fucking note. All of the singing lessons in the world would not have made him passable as a true rock singer.

Yet deluded Joy Division fans believe that this was only the beginning of the Joy Division saga. World domination would have followed on the American tour that never was. Baying fans would have barked ‘Colony’ back at Curtis, staring at him with all the reverence of Jesus the Baby in the arms of Mary.

Face it, Ian Curtis killed himself because he realized he’d reached his peak and decided to call it quits before the music press called him out on his lack of talent.

That’s the truth of the matter.

It is not a wise idea to play Joy Division music if you’re in a relationship. Not only will your partner freak out at you and begin to fire plates around the apartment like a madperson, but the music will inspire you subconsciously into destroying your relationship just like Ian Curtis did.

If your relationship has ended recently then Joy Division definitely aren’t what you should be listening to. Everyone knows how Ian Curtis died so by playing their records, then you’re tempting yourself down a dark path.

Why not play something worthwhile like Coldplay, Keane or U2? Unlike Joy Division, these bands were able to encapsulate the human experience in more than just a vague tone of gray.

Do the wise thing now and lay all of your Joy Division CD’s out on the road and wait for cars to run over and squish them. You’ll thank me when you make it past 25! A

I’m tired of Joy Division fans telling me that I don’t understand the band. These idiots believe that music should be depressing otherwise it doesn’t hold any real meaning or worth. That’s why so few of them listen to any pop music!

Anyway there’s nothing wrong with music being depressing. Radiohead have mastered the art of creating mournful soundscapes that have inspired a generation. Joy Division have inspired many people to smash their own ear drums in with wooden cooking spoons.

The fact is Joy Division didn’t have any really good songs. If you listen to ‘Unknown Pleasures’ or ‘Closer’ you’ll realize that the records are 98% production and very little of substances lies underneath. This is why Joy Division fans have to spend so much time trying to like the bands music.

There’s nothing there at all but layers and layers of reverb. If the English had any sense they’d have vilified this band and Martin fucking Hannett a long, long time ago.

Without a doubt, Ian Curtis’s depressive antics helped inspire a new wave of talentless poets to form bands and to write songs, often urging their fan base to cut themselves with whatever came to hand and willing them on to write songs about their depression.

Joy Division were not solely responsible for Emo, however.

Everyone’s least favourite Welsh band, the Manic Street Preachers were huge Joy Division fans.

The guitarist Richey Edwards was an Ian Curtis devotee and ended up killing himself by jumping off a bring 30 years ago.  Many Emo bands tried to mimic the Richey by cutting themselves to pieces and forming other talentless punk bands that only existed to annoy anyone with taste.

Anyway back to Joy Division. Emo musicians typically look very similar to Ian Curtis in that they’re remarkable pale, thin and lame. Most of them have very poor relations with their families and help desecrate graves. Very few have any discernable talent other than to inspire other equally pointless groups to follow in their paths like sheep.

But that’s the Joy Division and Emo subculture for you!

If you’re familiar with the Warsaw sound, then you’ll know that it’s raw, edgy and amateurish. No one in the music business wanted anything to do with the band as they were seen to be pig-headed Nazi scumbags who were more likely to score at a National Front rally than a hit record.

So in a desperate attempt to attract a new fan base, Joy Division changed their sound drastically, covering up the once exposed guitars with masses of reverb and other studio trickery.

Ian Curtis then began to steal lots of J.G. Ballard’s ideas as his own and luckily enough this interested enough shallow art students, to win the band a fan base.

In the end of the day, their decision to adopt a much ‘darker’ mood in their music worked. If they’d stayed as Warsaw then they’d have been long forgotten, which is a pity for the rest of us.